What do you do when someone complains that one of your team members disrespects everyone else’s work except theirs? The other day one of the members of my team leader network came to me for advice on how to deal with a software developer who “disrespects everyone else’s work and only talks to them when they want something from them.”
As I listened to their story, I applied my active listening skills. I paid attention to their body language and tone of voice, recognising quickly that the team leader was one of “everyone”. Their feelings were hurt, and it was important for me to take that into account when responding.
Kathy explains how she applied her active listening skills on this occasion
- I was attentive, staying engaged and focused on what they were telling me. If you were listening, you would have heard me use phrases such as “I understand” and “Can you give me an example?” I confirmed, clarified, paraphrased and summarised.
- I was objective. As I listened, I avoided making assumptions and kept an open mind.
- I was patient. Instead of jumping in with a solution or interrupting, I gave my team leader time to fully explain the problem.
- I demonstrated empathy. I recognised their emotional involvement, listened, withheld judgement and offered help.
Reframe the problem
Recognising that the team leader felt disrespected, I tackled that first. I asked them how they would feel if we changed “disrespects” to “doesn’t appreciate”. Changing that one word made an immediate difference to the team leader’s view of the situation. They realised that they could work with the developer and the other members of the team to improve the situation by building a common understanding of each other’s roles and responsibilities and how their individual work contributed to the team’s outcomes.
Reframing the problem helped the team leader find a solution. In this case the situation changed from a “one of my team members disrespects everyone else’s work” to “enabling my team members to understand each other’s work and how their individual work contributes to team outcomes.” Instead of being stuck and not knowing what to do, the team leader was ready to take proactive action to build their team.
Actively listen
When someone complains about feeling disrespected, actively listen to them. Be attentive, objective and patient and demonstrate empathy as they tell their story. The information they share with you will enable you to reframe the problem with them, making it easier for them to find a solution.
Team leader options for managing disrespect
During this process, if it becomes clear that disrespect is the problem, there are a number of options available to deal with this, ranging from calling people on the disrespect as it occurs to taking disciplinary action. As a team leader, make it clear to your team that you expect a culture of respect in the workplace and work with them to establish what that means. Let them know that you will not tolerate disrespectful behaviour and be prepared to take action. If you’re not sure how to go about this, or your approach isn’t working, seek advice from a mentor or a senior leader on how to handle it.
Follow up
Whatever happens, remember to check in with the person who raised the issue with you for a progress update. Whether you do this formally or informally, taking the time to check progress with that person will let them know that you took them seriously. If the situation has not improved, you’ll know that more work is needed.
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Originally published on 10 January 2020, this article was updated and republished on 8 August 2021.
